Monday Morning Madness with Ed

It's Monday again! (already) And what better way to start the week than with a good laugh! Who's here to help us with that? That's right, "Outlaw Southern Author" Ed Williams! For those of you that don't yet know Ed, you're in for a treat and those that do...well, you already KNOW what to expect!

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Enjoy!!

My Ten Godzillian Level Pet Peeves!

In no particular order, they be……..

1. I get hacked off with ladies on the Internet who, after you email or message them once or twice, instantly proclaim that they want to see you and/or have fallen in love with you.

Maybe this is just me or is somehow due to my literary “persona,” but typically each three to four months I’ll get emailed by someone who says that they like me and/or my writing. I’ll always promptly email them back and thank them. Then, another email comes, this one a bit sweeter than the first. I’ll answer again. Almost inevitably, somewhere around the third or fourth email, a proclamation of “I really care about you,” or “I think I could fall hard for you” is rendered.

How does someone know that they’ve found love after 3-4 emails? Someone who doesn’t know me at all? For all they know, I could be a serial farter, nose picker, or even worse, a Perry Como addict. The only person anyone on Gather should fall in love with immediately is Selene, and she’s so used to that happening to her that she handles it as she would if she were eating breakfast – it’s a given. So, you can like me, like my writings, but don’t blow smoke between my twin pink apples and tell me you love me when you really don’t even know me. Simple lust will suffice nicely.

2. I despise patience!

Patience, to me, is the most overrated virtue of all. I question if it’s even a virtue, frankly, as mostly it’s an indicator of one’s ability to tolerate pain. Sure, being patient at times may render rewards, but it also renders heartburn, stress, health problems, and a desire to kick those who endlessly intone it as a virtue. Now, let’s move on to the next pet peeve as I don’t wanna waste anymore time with it!

3. I have little tolerance for people who still write personal checks, especially when they do so whilst in a long check-out line at the local supermarket.

I use my debit and/or credit card everywhere, it’s just so easy to use that now I can’t imagine paying my bills any other way. And, just as sure as I’m E3, if I’m in a hurry to buy something somewhere, if I’m in a hurry to pick up those two or three items that I’ve gotta have, inevitably I’ll get in line with someone who has ten thousand items in their cart. And, when all of it is totaled and rung up, they’ll break out a personal checkbook. And then they’ll open it up and take around ten minutes to fill out their check register and check itself, all the while asking the cashier questions like these:

“Who do I make it out to?”

“Can I write it for some over so that I can have some extra money?”

“What do you mean I need two ID?”

“It’ll be good tomorrow, I promise, can you not cash it ‘til then?”

….and so forth. This rubs my ‘nads like sandpaper for the following two reasons:

1. Do the rest of us have to suffer because someone is using a circa 1BC technology?

2. Based on question one, if we do have to suffer, couldn’t they at least have had their checkbooks out and have had part of it made out in order to speed things up some?

I’d say more, but for some reason my ‘nads feel really tender right now, better get some ointment to ooze on them and sooth!

4. I hate beets!

Everything about them sucks. Vein-laden monstrosities imbued with a weird color and topped off with a taste somewhat akin to what likely exists in a well-digger’s underwear. Late into his shift, of course.

5. I hate people who won’t admit to a good public fart, especially when it’s obvious.

Whatever happened to character? Back when I was a kid growin’ up in Juliette, if a man happened to squeeze off a loud air biscuit right out loud in public, he’d admit to his effort and take whatever came as a result. Sometimes he’d catch hell, sometimes he’d get laughs, and maybe sometimes he’d get even a few kudos. Whatever the outcome, he took it like a man.

Contrast this with the guy in the Atlanta Airport that I walked by recently. He was a bit overweight and was eating a really big pretzel. Right as I walked by him I heard a loud, “FRRRRRAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPP.” Basically, his rectum sang like a Civil War era cannon, and I jumped from both the combination of the loudness and suddenness of the assault. I immediately whirled around and found myself looking straight at him. Y’all know me, I couldn’t help but say,

“Damn, you should feel a tad better, buddy.”

His response?

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you mean.”

I’m a bit too quick on the draw sometimes, so I responded, “You know what I mean, I guarantee you the seat of your britches is warmer than it was prior to that loud frapper.”

To that, he told me he was busy and waddled on off towards a news stand. All I could do was scratch my head and wonder, “What the hell’s the world comin’ to?” I mean, a man who won’t admit to a solid one cheek sneak is a man who has the character of a garden slug with some salt sprinkled on it – an inside out look at the world at best. God help both him and his britches.

6. I hate that “peanut butter and jelly mixed together in one jar” crap that they sell in supermarkets!

I’ll just say this in regards to the above, if y’all ever have to do some concrete or mortar type repairs in your driveway and find that your local hardware store is out of cement, just buy a few jars of this crap. It’s like Viagra in a jar it’s so damn hard!

7. I hate people who let their dogs schitt in your yard and then get indignant when you call them on it.

I’ll bet my Elvis CD collection that if you went over to one of their yards, dropped your drawers, and squeezed off a rope that they’d call the cops immediately! And if you really think about it, what’s the difference in me pooping in a neighbor’s yard and their dog pinching off a loaf in mine? Hmmmmmm?

8. I profoundly dislike folks on Gather who send me hard luck stories that end up being pleas for money.


I’m not a charitable organization, I don’t aspire to be one, and when I do donate money to charitable causes I do so to organizations I know or have worked with in the past. The odds that I’m going to give money to someone I don’t know who sends me an email asking for money is “zero.” And that’s even if they have a great looking avatar, especially one with cleavage.

9. I hate every damn sequel that they made to great movies like Jaws, Smokey and the Bandit, Porky’s, and Caddyshack.

Think about these four movies – each was great. Now think about all their sequels – each was horrible! God, Caddyshack alone may have been the worst, the first couldn’t have been much better, the second couldn’t have been much worse. Jackie Mason? No Rodney Dangerfield or Ted Knight? I’d rather toss hot red pepper straight into my eyeballs and then sit down on a railroad spike with no lubricant than have to watch it! And that’s me bein’ low-keyed about it!

Hollywood obviously knew that these titles would draw some folks in and that they’d make money from these clunkers. I can only say that I thank God that they didn’t make Forrest Gump – The Later Years, or Elvis on Tour Kinda Like The Real Thing With Trent Carlini As The King. I still wouldn’t put the possibility totally past ‘em, though, because if Scooby Doo remakes were made then anything is possible!

10. I hate women who show off their cleavage and then get indignant if someone looks at it and comments!

If you don’t want me to see the show, baby, then don’t open up the curtains to the theatre!

Should y’all want to add a few pet peeves of yer own, feel free-eth to do so below….

*Giggles* ...Thanks Ed! You heard him .... "Feel free-eth"...!!

　
Please be sure to check out Ed at the below locations!

"ChristmaSin'", his new Christmas novel, comes out in Nov. of '09!

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Kisses ~ XXX